The struggle is real

I’ve been very quiet as of late. I’m struggling and I’m working hard to pull myself away from the cliff.

My wonderful doctor let me go two months before the next appointment and I think it was a brillant move on her part. It has given me more time to see how I’m responding to the dosage and it’s become obvious an adjustment is necessary.

I am apparently doing a wonderful job of pretending like I’m okay because those closest to me have commented I seem so much better. Don’t get me wrong, I am a million times better than before I met with my new doctor, but I can feel myself slipping.

It’s subtle. I have to force myself to get things done each day as opposed to dropping the kids off, coming home for my daily quick clean up, and then off to work. I have only taken one shift with Amazon in the past month. I did do an acting gig, but that was it.

I need to get back to work. I need to stop coming home and just falling asleep from pure exhaustion. I see the doctor in a few weeks and I’m sure she will help me get back on track. It’s just part of the process.

There have been a few changes I have had to make to remove what had become toxicity in my life. I won’t lie, it was difficult, but immediately I felt a weight lift off of me.

I am focused on myself getting mentally stable and making sure the kids are happy and living with the best mom I can possibly be. They deserve it.

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Update time

I am now on two medications. One for the panic attacks and one for the depression. I can happily say I have not had a single panic attack since I began the medication. Almost two months panic free feels amazing.

I just started the anti depressant so I’m not sure yet how that is working. She started me on the lowest dose with the knowledge that we will most likely increase the dosage until we find the perfect fit.

Emily has been battling something. I don’t want to call it the flu, but it’s something like that. She missed two days of school last week and made it about an hour yesterday before they called. She slept all day Sunday (a total of 18 hours) and I was hoping she would make it through.

I kept her home today and most likely will keep her home the rest of the week just to make sure. That means zero work for me.

I am gearing up for Emily’s 11 Birthday next week. She needs to be well for the celebration. I’m considering taking her back to the bowling place she went for another party, but nothing set in stone yet.

Thats pretty much it. Life is boring and that’s always good.

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What a week

It’s been an exhausting week. Emily has been sick since Monday and now Caleb has it. Tomorrow is his 13th birthday and he is absolutely miserable.

I sent Emily to school today (fever free finally) because it was “Dress in your favorite decade” day. She rocked her outfit up until they called me at 11 because she was back to feeling like crap.

I am beyond exhausted. I’ve been working on getting the house in order (thanks new meds) and dealing with trying to not get sick myself.

Typically by the end of the night I am sore and just over it.

If Caleb feels up to it tomorrow we are going to Hodads with his best friend for lunch. At this point it’s a wait and see.

That’s all I’ve got today.

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The Good/Bad/Ugly

The first two weeks I was responding fabulously to my new medication. I still am on many levels, but not so much on others.

I haven’t had a single panic attack since I started. That’s a win. My house has never been cleaner. Also a win. Sort of.

It’s become borderline obsession keeping things perfect. I know myself well enough to know that this isn’t necessarily a good thing. I’m in a constant manic situation.

My mind has quieted down quite a bit. Definitely a win.

I was sleeping better than I have in years up until a few days ago.  I’m back to waking up at least once in the night and spending at least a half hour trying to go back to sleep. I sense she will suggest upping my night dose to counteract that issue.

I’m on the lowest dosage possible at this point during the day, which concerns me. If this low of a dose makes me manic, upping it at night can’t be a great idea.

I have absolute faith in my new doctor and I know there are going to be tweaks to things until we find the right mix that works, but right now I’m exhausted.

Sigh…I’m getting there.

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Good news…bad news

I finally got to see my new doctor. I absolutely love her. She has a whole body approach to my mental health as opposed to “here take this pill and see me in five months”. We actually spent an hour discussing my life. From the age my first panic attack occurred to what medications I’ve used both successfully and unsuccessfully. In the five years I spent with my previous doctor, I’m not sure time spent with him would span an hour. He was very “Take your pill and go”.

This doctor is under the impression I might have been misdiagnosed. Apparently those that are truly manic/depressive do not respond favorably to Zoloft. Since I have a history of, at least for periods of time, responding well to it, she seems to think it is some other, yet to be determined, mood disorder.

As a result, we are switching up my medication. I started a new one that day and thus far, no panic attacks. We will introduce a new anti depressant in a few weeks. She wants me adjusted to this medicine first and then slowly add in the other.

So that’s the good news. I really don’t have any bad news. Life has been quiet for the most part.

We did have a bit of an unsettling incident that had us all a bit worried, but things worked out and since it doesn’t directly involve me, I don’t feel comfortable disclosing it. No, I don’t intend to be vague, but it involves people that I don’t know outside of a business dealing, and isn’t fodder for my blog. It was a sad situation that could have had implications for us, but has been resolved in a favorable manner.

I have decided to take one room in my perfect house and start to make it more “our” home instead of a bare rental. As a result, for the first time since I’ve been in California, I actually hung curtains in the living room. My next purchase will be a table to place under the front window. Once I get the living room exactly as I want I plan on doing Caleb’s room. He is on the hunt for a new bedding set and curtains. He also needs a new dresser. I figure my summer I will have the entire house done to my liking.

This house is simply such perfection for us. The kids and I are so happy being her and I hope to stay here for many years to come. If I can’t move back to Texas, at least I can live in my perfect house.

As in previous years, I don’t do resolutions. I feel that every day is a day for growing and learning so I will continue to follow that path.

I hope that 2018 has started well for all of you (the two people that actually still read this 😂😂). Be well!!

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It’s been a while

I’ve been crazy busy and just never seem to find the time to write.

Christmas is in three days and I can honestly say this has been the most stress free holiday I can recall. Presents were bought without my stressing how to pay for them and still feed and shelter the kids. Who knew that this silly little delivery job would change so many things in our lives?

I took Emily to the mall today and we stood in line for over an hour just to get her picture taken with Santa. She was so patient through the whole thing and seeing her smile as she sat on his lap and tell him what she wanted for Christmas made the wait so totally worth it. I’d do anything to see her happy.

Caleb declined the Santa visit. He was at a friends house. He is well past the age of Santa and that makes me sad. He keeps it alive for Emily though. He doesn’t want to take the magic away from her. Her amazing big brother will always look out for her.

Whitney and her best friend came for a 24 hour whirlwind visit a few weeks ago. Never have I packed quite so much fun in 24 hours. We drove up to the Hollywood sign, they got awesome pics, and the craziest thing was when we headed to the wax museum. There was something big going on down the street so we went to check it out. It was the world premiere of Pitch Perfect 3. Caleb and I left them to wait for the stars and we headed to the museum. Shortly thereafter I got a text letting me know they had been given tickets to the movie and would be enjoying it with the cast. To say they were excited would be an understatement.

The following morning they talked their way into a taping of Dr Phil. It was a whirlwind of 24 hours, but so much fun. I loved spending that time with them.

Life is good. That pretty much sums it up.

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That’s the best way to describe my current state. Nothing is wrong, I’m just taking some much needed mental health days and focusing on things at home.

Many social media presence is few and far between, but mainly because work has slowed to a ridiculous pace and I’m spending much of my time searching for hours.

Things will pick up shortly and I will be back working my ass off complaining about La Jolla apartments soon. For now, I am gearing up for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Caleb only wants money for new clothes. That’s easy enough. Emily wants a new play kitchen that Santa has his eye on. This year is proving to be quite simple and I’m okay with that.

I do keep up with everyone, I’m just quietly observing from the back of the room. Hope all is well.

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