That’s the best way to describe my current state. Nothing is wrong, I’m just taking some much needed mental health days and focusing on things at home.

Many social media presence is few and far between, but mainly because work has slowed to a ridiculous pace and I’m spending much of my time searching for hours.

Things will pick up shortly and I will be back working my ass off complaining about La Jolla apartments soon. For now, I am gearing up for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Caleb only wants money for new clothes. That’s easy enough. Emily wants a new play kitchen that Santa has his eye on. This year is proving to be quite simple and I’m okay with that.

I do keep up with everyone, I’m just quietly observing from the back of the room. Hope all is well.

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Okay, maybe

In spite of what people think, I don’t write for attention. I write to calm my mind. When someone throws my deepest fears at me, I retreat. When I do that, they win. I’m sick of them winning.

What people don’t know is that I cry often. I cry so often that I want to cry about how often I cry. I don’t cry in front of the kids if I can help it. It frightens them. I’m supposed to be taking care of them not the other way around.

I find that if I can come here and just write, I cry less. It’s my outlet. I shouldn’t allow anyone to take that from me. I have a mental disease. I’m not crazy. Let me repeat that for those in the back; I’m NOT crazy.

Crazy is not realizing that I need help. Crazy is denying that my brain works differently than other people. Crazy is allowing anyone the ability to use my mental health against me.

I’m not crazy. I’m just a little unwell.

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Peace out

I’ve not purposely been silent. I’ve just been extremely busy.

Having said that, I now have to say that once again my place I come to heal my damaged mind has once again been breached.

I can’t and won’t go into details. I can only say this is no longer my safe place. Time will tell if I start over yet again or just let this die.

If I do decide to reinvent this wheel, I will do so as privately as possible so that perhaps that one will finally be my safe place to fall.

For now, peace out. It’s been real.

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A small update

I haven’t said much as of late. Since the tragedy in Las Vegas, I’ve just been numb. I don’t want to make a big deal about it here. I was not there. I just witnessed the aftermath like thousands of others. My heart breaks for those that did not make it out and for those that witnessed the horrific events.

I had to have a difficult conversation with Caleb today. I know my son and I know if we were ever in such a tragedy, his only thoughts would be on myself and his sister. I explained to him today that while I hate frightening him, I needed him to understand something. If we ever found ourselves in such a situation and I somehow was not able to get them out, his sole focus was to take Emily and run. He was not to look back for me, but just to continue to run until he and Emily were safe.

It wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have, but we needed to discuss it. We didn’t go into the “why” or “how” I might not be able to get them out. We left it at very generalizations. He understood what was unsaid and he promised me he’d follow my directions. I don’t want my children to live a life of fear, but I also don’t want them to live a life unprepared. Sadly, this could and most likely will happen again and I want them clear in what needs to be done.

I’ve learned when anywhere that I scope out the nearest exits. Emily does not sense danger so I know she would have to be picked up and carried out. She is not a light child and I need to be aware of how quickly we can remove ourselves from a dangerous situation. Neither of them knows I do this. It is just for my own peace of mind.

I realize this might sound crazy, but it’s either hide out in our home and let the fear win or pay attention to our surroundings and enjoy our lives. I can assure you Caleb will not be thinking “OMG, what if someone starts shooting and I have to get Em out”, it was a brief conversation to let him know what was needed of him.

This weekend we are heading to the pumpkin patch. Yes, I’ll be hypersensitive to exits, but first and foremost, I will enjoy these moments with my babies. Hate will not win. I won’t allow it.

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Didn’t someone tell me it was National Idiot Day? I would have stayed home. Dropping the kids off for school this morning I witnessed two arrests, two cars pulled over for blasting through a school zone, and an unwelcome guest at my home.

While at home I saw two more people being pulled over for running the stop sign on the corner. Hey, there was nothing good on tv and I was sick so I was just looking out the window. I do have better ways to pass the time, just not today.

I go to pick the kids up and that’s when it got really fun. On a good day, traffic at Caleb’s school is chaotic. Add a tweaker into that mix and you get downright dangerous.

I always park on the right side. I’ve learned that it is much easier to get out and hurry to Emily’s school if I do. This requires Caleb to cross the street, but several kids are crossing so it doesn’t worry me. It also is much easier to pull into the flow of traffic on that side since most people are coming from the opposite direction.

Today, not so much. Caleb gets in and I check to see if it’s clear. It is and I begin to inch out. I think everyone knows I have a brand new car. There is not a scratch on it and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible. I am EXTREMELY aware of my surroundings. Which is why I slam on my brakes as this car comes flying down the road and doesn’t so much as glance in my direction. At this point, I am in the lane by more than half a cars length.

The car that almost rams me has an obvious tweaker behind the wheel and her eyes are nowhere on the road. How no child was hit is a miracle. She is eating a donut and yelling at random kids waiting on the sidewalk. She finally pulls up enough for me to complete my merge into traffic and then just stops. In the middle of the road. For no reason whatsoever. She continues to yell at random kids to come to her car. In the middle of the road. Blocking traffic both ways and doesn’t seem to notice or care.

The guy that was attempting to take my parking space lays on his horn. She doesn’t move. He jumps out of his truck (ands he’s HUGE) and heads toward her car. Apparently that got her attention and she hauls ass into a private driveway. By then traffic both ways is a joke. It’s a residential street, so with cars parked on both sides, the travel lane is just enough for two cars to slowly pass through.

The whole situation was just insane. I’m in a position facing a large SUV and can’t move until they squeeze by. In the meantime, tweaker girl and her boyfriend are doing goodness knows what still yelling at random kids.

It wasn’t until I’m out of the situation that I realize how weird the entire situation seemed. She had out of state plates. She was obviously too high to realize how many kids were crossing the street while she drove recklessly, or the fact that she blocked all traffic. I get the sense that she and the boyfriend were up to no good.

I didn’t even think about getting the plate number at the time. My focus was just trying to get out of there without getting hit or witnessing a fight, but now I wish I had. It has my gut going crazy.

Anyone that picks up their child even once or twice a week knows how congested the area gets. They know kids are crossing at all different spots. They know to be focused and slow down. This chick didn’t seem to know any of that. I do know staff is outside on the sidewalk until most of the kids have dispersed so I feel confident that if they were up to something funny, staff would have been on it. I just hate that I didn’t pay closer attention.

About all I could tell anyone was it was a larger tan four door car with Arizona plates and a male and female tweaker in the front. That describes half of Lakeside. 😑

So much for being aware.

Thankfully, these kids are older and hopefully know enough to not approach a strangers car, but I do plan on discussing with Caleb the dangers just as a friendly reminder. He knows that unless he hears it directly from me that he is to not get in someone else’s car unless it’s Dianna. She and her husband are the one exception to the rule as I am for their grandchildren. We live next door to one another and the kids know we are their “safe” alternative.

Pick up so stressed me out that I’m taking the kids shopping for jackets and then out to dinner where I can order a pool size margarita. National Idiot Day needs to end.

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All the feels

I took the weekend off to spend time with the kids. I’m so glad I did. We didn’t do anything overly exciting, but it was nice just to relax and be with them.

Caleb convinced me to take them to the dollar store for ugly sunglasses. It turned out to be hilarious. Emily picked a pink pair and Caleb’s has butterflies on them. Neither of them have missed an opportunity to wear them. They crack me up.

Both of them are home sick today so I took an unexpected day off. Emily was sent home yesterday and when Caleb broke down in tears over a broken glass, I knew he was the next to spike a fever. Both are coughing and have fevers so rest is the order of the day.

I spent the morning cleaning up the house. I got some floor grippers for the couch this weekend so my couch no longer slides across the floor when you sit down. I also got a coffee table so I’ve been trying to decide what needs to be put in the center. I got around to hanging Emily’s Frozen door hanging. The door that leads outside her room is half window. I put that over the window half so the sun won’t shine quite as brightly in there in the morning. I need to get a small curtain rod for her other window. The plan is to hang the blanket she was given in the small window above her bed. It’s a beautiful patchwork quilt that matches her bed colors. The window is so small that finding a curtain to fit would be almost impossible.

Off topic slightly, since moving here I’ve noticed my depression has decreased slightly. Let’s be honest, I’m manic depressive so this isn’t new, but I have to think that the living situation prior to this was feeding that deep depression. I had to shut down so completely from all the crazy that was the neighborhood that I really believe it caused some severity of my mental health issues.

I mentioned to someone the other day that I didn’t realize how little I slept until I moved here and actually slept. The same with the kids. Emily is often still asleep when it’s time for me to get them ready for school. At the apartments, 4 am starts to or day were the norm. With the exception of last night with Em up and down coughing, I have slept soundly for seven to eight hours.

My neighbor asked me the other day if I heard something crawling on the roof the other night. Most likely a raccoon from how loud she said it sounded. I heard nothing. I laughed and told her she had no idea the amount of noise I lived under for five years. Big Foot could stomp on my roof and I doubt I hear it. This place being quiet is an understatement.

Caleb is more and more involved in scootering again. I see my son coming back to life. I think that previous environment hurt us all. Emily is going outside and running around most afternoons. Things I could never allow at the apartment. It’s peaceful. We feel safe. Life is good.

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Better days

Working is my therapy. I decided to take a shift yesterday that would put me at the end at almost the exact same time the kids get out of school. It’s a race to see if I can finish before I have to pick them up. So far I’m two for two.

Tuesday was a complete stress ball of a day. I had a perfect route, but the getting there almost did me in. Yesterday was not my preferred “unicorn” route, but it was nice and stress free. Well, pretty stress free.

I arrived and began sorting my packages. I quickly realize I’m missing an entire section of my list. In total, 18 packages. Sounds great, 18 less to deal with. Not so much. This isn’t my first rodeo and I knew I was not leaving that station until I had either the missing packages or a signed off list noting I left them through no fault of my own.

I found a warehouse worker and explained the situation. He went in search of my missing packages. Thankfully they were found fairly quickly so I was able to get on my way. It was just a few apartments and the rest houses. Yay!!

I make my first few deliveries and then I have two that happen to be side by side. I scan both packages, take the first to the closest house and then walk to the second and leave the package. That’s when I notice an older gentleman filming me. I’m usually caught on security cameras, but this was the first time I had someone actively filming me. Package thieves exist, so I get it. I go back to my car to leave and he walks up and takes a picture of my license plate. Okay,  I don’t want to end up on the news or the latest viral video, so I make a quick u-turn.

I pull up and roll down my window. I introduce myself, show him my badge, and explain  who I work for and a little about the program. I drive my own car. With the exception of my badge; I wear no uniform. He was extremely apologetic and said he hoped I wasn’t offended. He was just looking after his neighbors. No problem. I appreciate that people are keeping an eye out. I just didn’t want to deal with the police when I was on a time crunch.

Someone pointed out badges were easily made. I acknowledge that, but very few thieves are going  to take the time to introduce themselves to the neighbors. Hopefully he remembers me in the future and knows I’m there to do good and not evil.

I took today off simply because I needed a mental health day and I needed to wash the comforters. It’s starting to get cold at night and it was time to put them back on the beds.

Thanks to a late phone call from my previous landlord, I might take tomorrow off as well. For some reason I’m dying to take the kids bowling. It just sounds fun. My previous landlord was nice enough to call and give me the option of picking up my security deposit refund as opposed o her mailing it out on Monday. I went right over. Having that gives me the option of not working tomorrow, which is nice. I love my job, but doing something fun with the kids is way overdue.

I can always pick up two shifts on Sunday.

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